funny thing happened on my way to writing an amazing blog

I laugh at myself, I think I do at least, maybe ... if not laugh, then I'd just beat myself up for being such a slacker absent minded schlub. I have these great ideas ... yes, yes, log my journey ... and then, as is the story of  my life ... great ideas, no follow through.

Thankfully our God doesn't operate the same way I do ... "I have plans to prosper you ... if I remember, in case I forget ... pray ... remind me ..."

i wonder about prayer ... i think i can get stuck in so much logic and reverse logic and maybe even recursive logic (is there such a thing?) do calvinists really believe that praying for other people (like if they're sick) doesn't "work"that the sole purpose of praying is to 'enhance' your walk with God? that just doesn't make sense! if that's true, then why did Paul say, in letters, that he is praying for his brothers and sisters in the new churches ... right? am i right? do i have it wrong? i think the only calvin i like is the one with a stuffed tiger named hobbes as his best bud.

so, back to prayer (forget you calvin!) ... what is the purpose of prayer? does God 'change His mind?' ... "Lord please heal this person," or "Lord give me wisdom." .. does that mean that God hadn't intended on giving it to me, but "since you asked..." or then there's people that say 'God knew you were going to pray for it' ... or maybe it's just simple -- like (on a grander scale) how I might buy some prize for my son, or a bag of candy or something, and it's his ... I'm just waiting for him to ask for it?

oh, this just reminds me of so much more that i just DON'T GET! how do you have a relationship with God? how do you hear Him? i say i "follow peace" (well, try to) .. is that it?? ooohhhhh, i long for a time when God's voice was heard easily ... was it ever? When God spoke to Abraham, was it audible?

i know that evil tries to destroy all things God meant for good ... family, food, love, relationships, and prayer -- i worry that i'm fake (thanks to .. well, i won't say that), i worry that my prayers aren't biblical, i worry that my prayers are pathetic, i worry that my prayers are selfish, i worry that my prayers aren't heard, i worry that i worry ... i know, He did not give me a spirit of worry or fear ...

sigh ... 'show me Your ways, O Lord, teach me Your paths' ....

finding real love?

maybe it should be finding real love, or finding true love, or just finding love

when i sit and think of all the places i've tried to find love .... when i sit and think of all the places i didn't find love.

one of my favorite phrases (or maybe just an idea) growing up was: there was either a.) no god (and i was okay with that) or b.) he just really didn't like me.

that's really sad. i was okay with dying. i didn't NEED there to be a purpose in my life, or any life. i didn't think my life was any different than the many bugs i squashed ... here one moment, gone and forgotten the next.

why would i believe such a thing? because my life leading up to that moment was just too sad. too empty.

today i remember doing such stupid things for attention .. for affection .. for anyone to notice me. i can remember sitting in the downstairs of my house, sitting on the floor, promising my soul to whatever -- to the devil -- if he would make me a witch, or blind, or crippled. any of those would do. over and over i would restate that i would sell my soul if only __________. and nothing happened. did the devil not even want me? or maybe it was all just garbage. all pretend. all make believe.

eventually i began to believe that there was no higher or lower power. no god. no devil. just a religion created to give other people a reason to be (what they defined to be) "good." and that was fine with me to. whatever it took for society to have some sense of ... of ... community? for society to have a reason to not be the most selfish thing around. taking and killing for no reason .. or for the reason 'because.'

i look back at that today, and Thank God that He didn't allow my 'desires' to happen. Thank you Lord that you knew my heart, and kept me protected from condemning my soul to hell forever. thank you for keeping the evil one from destroying me.

i'm sure it wasn't the first time, but it's the first one i can remember (well, that i can remember today)

that's love. sure, at the time, i didn't feel loved. didn't see God. didn't hear him. but i suppose in His silence, He still saved me, because .. He loves me. even when i didn't love Him. even when I didn't acknowledge Him. even when I completely denied Him. maybe in all that denying, I was just desperate for Him to scream to me .. I'M HERE I'M HERE.

being loved

okay, so i renamed the blog today .. i should keep the subline, 'life's transparencies' .. as it's still about that ... but, i'm feeling led that this is more about being loved.

all my life i've been searching for love. love from my mom, love from my dad, love from my family ... and when that didn't fulfill my need .. i went to other places, love from boys, love from wildness, this crazy-living-on-the-edge excuse for finding a way to feel loved, to feel accepted, to feel complete.

last week, for the first time, God hit me with a truth. it's been rolling around in my brain all week. there was a prayer meeting up at the church ... they handed out a sheet with 3 verses. pastor mike announced that we were going to pray these verses back to God, and if anyone felt led to come up to a mic on any verse, that you could.

i looked at them all, and at first thought that the last verse would be the best, or easiest, to pray back .. if i felt led -- i am NOT a big prayer, especially out loud. it's a bit intimidating to me -- but that's another story.

so the first verse, colossians 2:6-7 (esv) -- "Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving." -- hmm, yeah, that's interesting

then it got me, a piece literally felt like it jumped off the page at me -- so walk IN HIM ... walk .. IN .. Him ... you know, we've all learned that Christ is IN us .. but I have never thought of me in Him. and suddenly i had this feeling of ... i don't know, saftey .. assurance .. it's not that I'm the bus, and I somehow have to trust Jesus to drive me, or tell the driver where to go and when to stop ... but that He IS the bus ... and I'm just a passenger. i visualized myself stepping into Him .. or, more like into His Spirit. I could just SEE it.

and there i was, feeling so amazingly thankful that His Word is true. all if it. always. forever. and that this truth is mine. i decided i was going to memorize this verse. i'm not great at it ... but since my faith was made real (a year and a half ago) things like this are coming easier to me. so i wrote it on a sticky  note, and put it in my car. and said it as often as i could remember. and within the weekend, it was there. rooted.

and i started to think about it ... i started to see that this verse doesn't say to 'get' rooted or to 'get' built up or to 'get' established. it states it as a fact. that just as I received Christ .. walk in Him, that I am already rooted and built up in him, that I am already established in the faith -- and like, well, WOW .. it's there, i don't have to find it, i just claim it. God's Word is Truth. it IS.

in the prayer meeting, and here right now .. I'm stricken with the thanksgiving for His Word. i'm so thankful that He does care, and love, and has the patience to show me the things He does.

i don't have to try hard .. it's already there. i just have to trust and fall back and it's there.

consider this???

it was proposed to me that perhaps the contact on facebook wasn't the work of 'he-who-should-not-be-named' .. but that maybe it's God. maybe it's God bringing another layer of healing to my life. maybe it's God bringing healing to the boy's (now a man)'s life ...

hmmm ... i really hadn't considered that at all.

this morning i took a shower (go figure right!?!) -- after my thorough spider check of the shower & my towels of course -- i had my iphone playing, on shuffle -- does God control the shuffle on my itunes? first came 'Curse of Blood' (bye the AWE band) , then came 'I'm not who I was' (by Brandon Heath).

really? is it random .. or is it God?

reminding me that I am NOT who i was, i am not condemned because of my past. I am a new creation in Him.

hmmmmm

really?

i guess i should take it as a positive thing.

spiders. spiders spiders everywhere spiders. i am so afraid of spiders, and why, lately, are they just everywhere! my fear of spiders is so irrational that i can't even think of pictures of spiders without really freakin out. i don't go places, because there might be spiders there. soon i might not be able to go to my garage, because of spiders. i consider not going on my anual thanksgiving paint ball vacation to my bff's, because .. of spiders. why is this so strong now? nothing has really changed ... but me.

and then ... facebook ... is it a 'coincidence' that as i've talked about my past, and about the decision that has haunted me for 25ish years, and have found freedom from and forgiveness for .. that THAT boy (man) has seemingly coincidentally found me on facebook? and sent a friend request? WHY NOW?

i see this all as tools. digs. shims. implements intended to separate me from He who LOVES ME.

Lord ... give me strength. Give me Your Grace. I can't live this day on my own. Remind me of who YOU are.

Hope, Part 2

There is hope .. listen here ... i'm honored to be one that has shared part of His work in me ...

Hope, Part 2

but .. but ... I'M ONLY 16!

okay, so what's the point of this blog?

my faith walk has taken me on an absolutely amazing journey over the last year and a half. really finding Christ, and coming to a place of such absolute complete brokenness, so broken that i didn't think i could live for one more day, one more hour, one more second ... one more breath, in that complete brokenness, when there was nothing left of me -- and at that point, I found God. I found God's Grace. I found, and understood, and received, Christ's forgiveness.

one of my biggest burdens ... the one thing that has haunted me for 24 years ...

abortion.

at 16 years old, i found myself pregnant. i was terrified. i was terrified what my dad would say. of all things, i was terrified of my dad. i knew he'd be mad. i knew he'd be disappointed. i knew everything was going to change.

i'll never forget when i found out for sure i was pregnant. i was babysitting my niece at my sister's apartment. i couldn't remember when my last period was, i never paid attention. but ... it had been a while. so, on my way there, i picked up a pregnancy test. and in the middle of the night, when i was sure no one would catch me, i took the test. back then they were much more complicated than they are today. multiple steps, multiple vials, tube a, reagent b, tube, tube,, and waiting ... the last step, if it was positive, a small ring would form at the bottom of the last test tube ... and long before the time to wait arrived ... that ring, visible in the mirror at the bottom of the kit .. was already visible. i even remember hoping that it might eventually go away, so i waited the established time ... still there. ring. small .. black .. ring. i was pregnant.

i was dumbfounded. this couldn't be! i was just a kid! and so i hoped, that i would have a miscarriage, and it would just go away on it's own.

it didn't go away.

no matter how much i tried to ingore it.

no matter how much my dad tried to make it go away.

25 years later ... it's still there ....