my faith walk has taken me on an absolutely amazing journey over the last year and a half. really finding Christ, and coming to a place of such absolute complete brokenness, so broken that i didn't think i could live for one more day, one more hour, one more second ... one more breath, in that complete brokenness, when there was nothing left of me -- and at that point, I found God. I found God's Grace. I found, and understood, and received, Christ's forgiveness.
one of my biggest burdens ... the one thing that has haunted me for 24 years ...
abortion.
at 16 years old, i found myself pregnant. i was terrified. i was terrified what my dad would say. of all things, i was terrified of my dad. i knew he'd be mad. i knew he'd be disappointed. i knew everything was going to change.
i'll never forget when i found out for sure i was pregnant. i was babysitting my niece at my sister's apartment. i couldn't remember when my last period was, i never paid attention. but ... it had been a while. so, on my way there, i picked up a pregnancy test. and in the middle of the night, when i was sure no one would catch me, i took the test. back then they were much more complicated than they are today. multiple steps, multiple vials, tube a, reagent b, tube, tube,, and waiting ... the last step, if it was positive, a small ring would form at the bottom of the last test tube ... and long before the time to wait arrived ... that ring, visible in the mirror at the bottom of the kit .. was already visible. i even remember hoping that it might eventually go away, so i waited the established time ... still there. ring. small .. black .. ring. i was pregnant.
i was dumbfounded. this couldn't be! i was just a kid! and so i hoped, that i would have a miscarriage, and it would just go away on it's own.
it didn't go away.
no matter how much i tried to ingore it.
no matter how much my dad tried to make it go away.
25 years later ... it's still there ....
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