maybe it should be finding real love, or finding true love, or just finding love
when i sit and think of all the places i've tried to find love .... when i sit and think of all the places i didn't find love.
one of my favorite phrases (or maybe just an idea) growing up was: there was either a.) no god (and i was okay with that) or b.) he just really didn't like me.
that's really sad. i was okay with dying. i didn't NEED there to be a purpose in my life, or any life. i didn't think my life was any different than the many bugs i squashed ... here one moment, gone and forgotten the next.
why would i believe such a thing? because my life leading up to that moment was just too sad. too empty.
today i remember doing such stupid things for attention .. for affection .. for anyone to notice me. i can remember sitting in the downstairs of my house, sitting on the floor, promising my soul to whatever -- to the devil -- if he would make me a witch, or blind, or crippled. any of those would do. over and over i would restate that i would sell my soul if only __________. and nothing happened. did the devil not even want me? or maybe it was all just garbage. all pretend. all make believe.
eventually i began to believe that there was no higher or lower power. no god. no devil. just a religion created to give other people a reason to be (what they defined to be) "good." and that was fine with me to. whatever it took for society to have some sense of ... of ... community? for society to have a reason to not be the most selfish thing around. taking and killing for no reason .. or for the reason 'because.'
i look back at that today, and Thank God that He didn't allow my 'desires' to happen. Thank you Lord that you knew my heart, and kept me protected from condemning my soul to hell forever. thank you for keeping the evil one from destroying me.
i'm sure it wasn't the first time, but it's the first one i can remember (well, that i can remember today)
that's love. sure, at the time, i didn't feel loved. didn't see God. didn't hear him. but i suppose in His silence, He still saved me, because .. He loves me. even when i didn't love Him. even when I didn't acknowledge Him. even when I completely denied Him. maybe in all that denying, I was just desperate for Him to scream to me .. I'M HERE I'M HERE.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
being loved
okay, so i renamed the blog today .. i should keep the subline, 'life's transparencies' .. as it's still about that ... but, i'm feeling led that this is more about being loved.
all my life i've been searching for love. love from my mom, love from my dad, love from my family ... and when that didn't fulfill my need .. i went to other places, love from boys, love from wildness, this crazy-living-on-the-edge excuse for finding a way to feel loved, to feel accepted, to feel complete.
last week, for the first time, God hit me with a truth. it's been rolling around in my brain all week. there was a prayer meeting up at the church ... they handed out a sheet with 3 verses. pastor mike announced that we were going to pray these verses back to God, and if anyone felt led to come up to a mic on any verse, that you could.
i looked at them all, and at first thought that the last verse would be the best, or easiest, to pray back .. if i felt led -- i am NOT a big prayer, especially out loud. it's a bit intimidating to me -- but that's another story.
so the first verse, colossians 2:6-7 (esv) -- "Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving." -- hmm, yeah, that's interesting
then it got me, a piece literally felt like it jumped off the page at me -- so walk IN HIM ... walk .. IN .. Him ... you know, we've all learned that Christ is IN us .. but I have never thought of me in Him. and suddenly i had this feeling of ... i don't know, saftey .. assurance .. it's not that I'm the bus, and I somehow have to trust Jesus to drive me, or tell the driver where to go and when to stop ... but that He IS the bus ... and I'm just a passenger. i visualized myself stepping into Him .. or, more like into His Spirit. I could just SEE it.
and there i was, feeling so amazingly thankful that His Word is true. all if it. always. forever. and that this truth is mine. i decided i was going to memorize this verse. i'm not great at it ... but since my faith was made real (a year and a half ago) things like this are coming easier to me. so i wrote it on a sticky note, and put it in my car. and said it as often as i could remember. and within the weekend, it was there. rooted.
and i started to think about it ... i started to see that this verse doesn't say to 'get' rooted or to 'get' built up or to 'get' established. it states it as a fact. that just as I received Christ .. walk in Him, that I am already rooted and built up in him, that I am already established in the faith -- and like, well, WOW .. it's there, i don't have to find it, i just claim it. God's Word is Truth. it IS.
in the prayer meeting, and here right now .. I'm stricken with the thanksgiving for His Word. i'm so thankful that He does care, and love, and has the patience to show me the things He does.
i don't have to try hard .. it's already there. i just have to trust and fall back and it's there.
all my life i've been searching for love. love from my mom, love from my dad, love from my family ... and when that didn't fulfill my need .. i went to other places, love from boys, love from wildness, this crazy-living-on-the-edge excuse for finding a way to feel loved, to feel accepted, to feel complete.
last week, for the first time, God hit me with a truth. it's been rolling around in my brain all week. there was a prayer meeting up at the church ... they handed out a sheet with 3 verses. pastor mike announced that we were going to pray these verses back to God, and if anyone felt led to come up to a mic on any verse, that you could.
i looked at them all, and at first thought that the last verse would be the best, or easiest, to pray back .. if i felt led -- i am NOT a big prayer, especially out loud. it's a bit intimidating to me -- but that's another story.
so the first verse, colossians 2:6-7 (esv) -- "Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving." -- hmm, yeah, that's interesting
then it got me, a piece literally felt like it jumped off the page at me -- so walk IN HIM ... walk .. IN .. Him ... you know, we've all learned that Christ is IN us .. but I have never thought of me in Him. and suddenly i had this feeling of ... i don't know, saftey .. assurance .. it's not that I'm the bus, and I somehow have to trust Jesus to drive me, or tell the driver where to go and when to stop ... but that He IS the bus ... and I'm just a passenger. i visualized myself stepping into Him .. or, more like into His Spirit. I could just SEE it.
and there i was, feeling so amazingly thankful that His Word is true. all if it. always. forever. and that this truth is mine. i decided i was going to memorize this verse. i'm not great at it ... but since my faith was made real (a year and a half ago) things like this are coming easier to me. so i wrote it on a sticky note, and put it in my car. and said it as often as i could remember. and within the weekend, it was there. rooted.
and i started to think about it ... i started to see that this verse doesn't say to 'get' rooted or to 'get' built up or to 'get' established. it states it as a fact. that just as I received Christ .. walk in Him, that I am already rooted and built up in him, that I am already established in the faith -- and like, well, WOW .. it's there, i don't have to find it, i just claim it. God's Word is Truth. it IS.
in the prayer meeting, and here right now .. I'm stricken with the thanksgiving for His Word. i'm so thankful that He does care, and love, and has the patience to show me the things He does.
i don't have to try hard .. it's already there. i just have to trust and fall back and it's there.
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