finding real love?

maybe it should be finding real love, or finding true love, or just finding love

when i sit and think of all the places i've tried to find love .... when i sit and think of all the places i didn't find love.

one of my favorite phrases (or maybe just an idea) growing up was: there was either a.) no god (and i was okay with that) or b.) he just really didn't like me.

that's really sad. i was okay with dying. i didn't NEED there to be a purpose in my life, or any life. i didn't think my life was any different than the many bugs i squashed ... here one moment, gone and forgotten the next.

why would i believe such a thing? because my life leading up to that moment was just too sad. too empty.

today i remember doing such stupid things for attention .. for affection .. for anyone to notice me. i can remember sitting in the downstairs of my house, sitting on the floor, promising my soul to whatever -- to the devil -- if he would make me a witch, or blind, or crippled. any of those would do. over and over i would restate that i would sell my soul if only __________. and nothing happened. did the devil not even want me? or maybe it was all just garbage. all pretend. all make believe.

eventually i began to believe that there was no higher or lower power. no god. no devil. just a religion created to give other people a reason to be (what they defined to be) "good." and that was fine with me to. whatever it took for society to have some sense of ... of ... community? for society to have a reason to not be the most selfish thing around. taking and killing for no reason .. or for the reason 'because.'

i look back at that today, and Thank God that He didn't allow my 'desires' to happen. Thank you Lord that you knew my heart, and kept me protected from condemning my soul to hell forever. thank you for keeping the evil one from destroying me.

i'm sure it wasn't the first time, but it's the first one i can remember (well, that i can remember today)

that's love. sure, at the time, i didn't feel loved. didn't see God. didn't hear him. but i suppose in His silence, He still saved me, because .. He loves me. even when i didn't love Him. even when I didn't acknowledge Him. even when I completely denied Him. maybe in all that denying, I was just desperate for Him to scream to me .. I'M HERE I'M HERE.