being loved

okay, so i renamed the blog today .. i should keep the subline, 'life's transparencies' .. as it's still about that ... but, i'm feeling led that this is more about being loved.

all my life i've been searching for love. love from my mom, love from my dad, love from my family ... and when that didn't fulfill my need .. i went to other places, love from boys, love from wildness, this crazy-living-on-the-edge excuse for finding a way to feel loved, to feel accepted, to feel complete.

last week, for the first time, God hit me with a truth. it's been rolling around in my brain all week. there was a prayer meeting up at the church ... they handed out a sheet with 3 verses. pastor mike announced that we were going to pray these verses back to God, and if anyone felt led to come up to a mic on any verse, that you could.

i looked at them all, and at first thought that the last verse would be the best, or easiest, to pray back .. if i felt led -- i am NOT a big prayer, especially out loud. it's a bit intimidating to me -- but that's another story.

so the first verse, colossians 2:6-7 (esv) -- "Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving." -- hmm, yeah, that's interesting

then it got me, a piece literally felt like it jumped off the page at me -- so walk IN HIM ... walk .. IN .. Him ... you know, we've all learned that Christ is IN us .. but I have never thought of me in Him. and suddenly i had this feeling of ... i don't know, saftey .. assurance .. it's not that I'm the bus, and I somehow have to trust Jesus to drive me, or tell the driver where to go and when to stop ... but that He IS the bus ... and I'm just a passenger. i visualized myself stepping into Him .. or, more like into His Spirit. I could just SEE it.

and there i was, feeling so amazingly thankful that His Word is true. all if it. always. forever. and that this truth is mine. i decided i was going to memorize this verse. i'm not great at it ... but since my faith was made real (a year and a half ago) things like this are coming easier to me. so i wrote it on a sticky  note, and put it in my car. and said it as often as i could remember. and within the weekend, it was there. rooted.

and i started to think about it ... i started to see that this verse doesn't say to 'get' rooted or to 'get' built up or to 'get' established. it states it as a fact. that just as I received Christ .. walk in Him, that I am already rooted and built up in him, that I am already established in the faith -- and like, well, WOW .. it's there, i don't have to find it, i just claim it. God's Word is Truth. it IS.

in the prayer meeting, and here right now .. I'm stricken with the thanksgiving for His Word. i'm so thankful that He does care, and love, and has the patience to show me the things He does.

i don't have to try hard .. it's already there. i just have to trust and fall back and it's there.